Toastmasters Humorist: Tool Names

I made an another attempt at stand-up comedy yesterday in my Toastmasters Club, using original material again (at least, I think so).  I thought it came off pretty well, except I wish my delivery would have been more relaxed and natural.  I was too nervous because of several minor irritating factors (mainly I was irritated with myself).  I was a couple minutes late arriving at the meeting, my mind was a little pre-occupied with a client meeting I had scheduled for 2:00 (which ended up going just fine, of course), plus I was putting too much pressure on myself to remember every word of my talk (which, of course, is not required and is probably not even the best way to deliver stand-up comedy).  But I'm probably over-analyzing it a bit too much.  One seasoned Toastmaster in our club handed me a nice note afterward saying, "You always set the bar high."  That made me feel good!  Thanks, Don!  ;)  Here's what I said (approximately):

Have you ever noticed the very clever, creative names they give to tools?  They are so descriptive!  For example, the name “screwdriver.”  What is a screwdriver used for?  To drive screws!  Very descriptive, right?  Or “wire cutter.”  You get the idea.  The way you name a tool is to just think of the action that you want to do with it, like test a circuit, then add “-er” on the end, and voila!  The tool is called a “circuit test-er.”  Good system, right?

But it does sometimes get a bit ridiculous; so collecting tool names has long been one of my favorite pastimes.  Here are some of the best: 

"Post-hole digger": “Rent your post-hole digger at Tates!”  “But what would I use that for?  Oh, right.  To dig post holes!” 

"Ventilation blower": So, it’s a fan, right?   

"Sod cutter": Now we’re getting really specialized.  Or… 

"Manure spreader."  Wow.  But at least these nice, simple, descriptive names help us keep things straight.  So it’s not all bad.

Then I thought, there are probably some tools we ought to have, you know, tools that could solve some of the most pressing problems I have around the house.  Like:

"Automatic light-bulb changer."  Or…

"Dishwasher un-loader and re-loader."  Or maybe…

"Weed puller without pulling out flowers and plants we really want… -er."  Well, maybe not.

I guess I should lighten up on the tool names joke a little.  I mean, there are literally so many thousands of tools that this system of nomenclature we have is probably really quite helpful.  Besides, contrast it to the way they name pharmaceuticals, where they just make up a word and turn it into a brand name.  We would all be really confused if we had to call a “post-hole digger” a “Zyprexa,” or a “wire cutter” a “Viagra.” (ew, kind of a bad visual image there… sorry).

 
But I still am confused about one thing.  I always thought ham came from a pig, and then I could simply buy one in the meat department of the grocery store, cook it, and eat it.  So then, what does this thing (hammer) do?